An interview with renowned horseman and trainer, Ted Clueless from 2017.

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Ross

I’m here today with legendary Australian horseman, Ted Clueless. Welcome Ted and thank you for your time.

Ted

No worries mate. Always glad to have a chin wag.

Ross

Now Ted you come from a long line of expert horseman. Is that right?

Ted

Yeah, sure mate. There have been generations of Clueless horsemen. My father, his father and his father before him were all great Clueless horsemen. We’ve even had several Clueless women as professional horse trainers. A lot of people in the horse world claim to be Clueless, but our family are the real McCoy. No question.

Ross

Well, as a little background why don’t you tell our readers what sort of horses you prefer.

Ted

Sure mate. Well, I like horses that don’t buck. I also like horses that don’t bite. And I’m really fond of the ones that don’t bolt. I sure wish I owned one.

Ross

No, no. I mean what breed of horses do you prefer.

Ted

Oh. Sorry mate. Well, I prefer the breeds that don’t buck and the ones that don’t bite. I’ve also got a soft spot for the one that don’t bolt.

Ross

So you’re okay with horses that rear.

Ted

Oh no mate. I forget about the breeds that rear. Yeah, I don’t like them much either.

Ross

Right. I see. Well, I guess that’s enough about you. Maybe we should go onto something else.

A lot of my readers would like to know what you consider to be the fundamental principle behind your work.

Ted

Well mate, I sort of agree with Ray Hunt when he said, “it’s all about the feet.”

See Ray understood that ridin was about gettin a horse to go somewhere. It’s that simple. The more they go somewhere the better they are.

The trouble is that so many of them blokes that followed him missed what Ray really meant by “it’s all about the feet.” A lot of them aren’t ya genius types and Ray not being great on givin detail left them hangin confused by what he meant.

Ross

How so?

Ted

Well, I reckon what Ray really meant when he said “it’s all about the feet” is that it’s all about how far you get a horse to go. If Ray had been born in say Europe, he’d have said “it’s all about the metres”. But he didn’t. He didn’t tell people that he was not talkin about the horse’s feet, he was talkin about the feet between point A and point B.

So that left all those poor buggers that hung on his every word thinkin Ray was goin on about useless stuff like hindquarter disengagements and lateral flexion and two-beat backups and connectin the reins to the feet. But Ray’s gone now and those drongos are still confused.

I’m tellin ya it’s all about the metres.

Ross

Well, that is certainly an interesting take on what Ray was saying.

Ted

I know mate. I am a deep thinker like that.

Ross

Well, what are your thoughts about the idea that getting a change in a horse’s thoughts should come before getting a change in their feet, erm I mean metres?

Ted

Look, I know where ya comin from. You’re a good bloke and ya heart’s in the right place. But gettin a horse to change his thought? Really????

Have you seen my mare over there? If she had one thought she’d need a week’s rest and 12 month’s therapy. She’s as thick as two short planks. If I waited until she had a change of thought nobody would be ridin her until my grand kids had grand kids. I’m as old as a dairy cow’s fart and I don’t have that much time to wait.

Nah mate. Ya mean well, but ya ideas are so off the beaten track that I sometimes think ya have a roo loose in the top paddock. Maybe ya should get checked out by a professional shrink.

Ross

Are there any other important principles you think people should consider when it comes to working with horses?

Ted

Well, another thing that Ray said that I reckon people should take on board is “make the right thing easy and the left thing hard.”

Ross

Um don’t you mean “make the right thing easy and the wrong thing hard?”

Ted

No, no. I’m sure it’s “make the right thing easy and the left thing hard” because I distinctly remember my mate Harry had a horse called Easy and he was always tryin to make ‘im go right.

Ross

No I think you’ll find that Ray said “make the right thing easy” as in simple, “and the wrong thing hard”, as in difficult.

Ted

Are ya sure? That don’t sound right to me.

Ross

I’m sure. You can look it up if you like,

Ted

Blimey! Well, I guess that could make more sense. It would explain a few things about the way my horse goes around her turns. But it is sure going to bugger up how Harry’s horse goes.

Ross

Well, thanks. I don’t want to take up too much of your time. Thanks for your novel and um colourful explanations on some of those important principles.

I’m sure my readers will find them to be really ‘interesting’.

Ted

No worries mate. Always ready to help. Don’t forget, it’s all about the metres!

Remember Ted’s the name, Clueless is the game.

Now I had betta take care of a deadly Tiger snake.

Ross

Really! Where?

Ted

He’s right behind you lookin to set up house in ya right trouser leg.

Ross

Fu$%&