A few days ago I was listening to podcast. The host asked people their views on what are the most important lessons you can teach your children. Most folks thought that life skills like self-reliance, ability to bounce back from rejection, sense of responsibility, honesty etc were the most important lessons a parent should teach a child.

I don’t have any children, but nevertheless the topic got me thinking. It didn’t take me long to figure that if I did have kids, the most important lesson I would want them to learn from me would be kindness. 

I say kindness because if ever somebody chose to write an epitaph about me the most I would wish for were the words “He was a kind man.” In my mind, what better or grandiose compliment could one make of another human beings life? Is there is any higher achievement than to be a kind person? I don’t think so. I’d rather be thought of as kind man than a good horseman or teacher or successful in business or a smart man.

Evolution has programmed people to be selfish and even greedy – it’s one of the reasons why we are so successful as a species. Therefore, to be a kind person means we have to overcome our basic selfish and greedy nature.  It could be said that to battle against ones inherent nature to be self centred and win is quite an achievement.

Kindness encompasses so many of the most admirable qualities of a good person. Kindness takes into account respect of others, compassion and empathy, consideration, a sense of justice and understanding. To be kind means you try to help others and if that is not possible you do what you can to ensure you don’t cause harm to them. It means you forgive mistakes and try to understand the point of view of people who do you harm. Being kind sometimes means standing up against the wrath of other people in order to do the right thing. A kind person respects themselves and all others as being equal with an equal entitlement. So what more important lesson could there be for a child to learn?

By now you are probably wondering what the hell this has got to do with horses and horsemanship?

While I was thinking about this topic it occurred to me that kindness should also extends to my animals – from my horses to my gold fish. and even the mice that take refuse in the walls of our house during winter. To be a kind person means that kindness extends to other species, not just other people. The same qualities of respect, empathy, standing up for what is right, their entitlement to the best I can give, consideration etc that I think are part of kindness to other people, are also part of the kindness I want to offer to my horses. I want the people who come to my clinics to also extend it to their horses. Many do even without mediation from me. But what about the people who don’t? How do they learn kindness towards their horses?

I think true kindness is an expression of our humanity and it is not dependent on receiving any gain from it. Kindness is not limited to just people and animals we care about. Our kindness is reflected by how we behave towards even people and animals that we don’t like or don’t like us. And that’s the hard part. How to be kind to a horse or a human that is pissing us off? It’s a struggle for everyone. 

I remember a few years ago I posted a video on this page that showed a trainer using fairly abusive training methods on a horse. The comments that followed reflected people’s anger with personal threats made towards the fellow. It bothered me a lot that people so quickly discarded their humanity to rage against a person they didn’t even know or did them no harm - all from just watching a video.

In Buddhism they talk about cela, which is the virtue of non-harm and kindness and I think the very best horse people practice cela  - at least towards their horses. In fact, I suspect that it is necessary component to being a good horse person.

I don’t think I do enough to talk about the importance of kindness as part of my teaching of horsemanship. I can’t recall using the word “kindness” in a clinic. I try to live it as best I can (but admittedly fail from time to time), but I am now worried that I don’t talk about it at clinics. The people who don’t yet understand the concept of what it is to be kind to their horse might not go home from one of my clinics with a better comprehension. I don’t know. But it has got me thinking about this aspect of my teaching. Do I do enough to convey the importance of being kind to our horses?

I hope the way I work with both the horses and people could be considered as a demonstration of kindness. I’m wishful that some level of kindness towards the horses’ filters through simply by the way I am around them during the clinics. Nevertheless, the podcast has given me a wake-up call to try to make the concept of kindness a bigger part of my teaching.

I know many of the people who are regulars at my clinics can teach me more about kindness than I can teach them. But occasionally I meet a person for whom a not-too subtle reminder to be more considerate of their horse would be a kindness.