When I was first starting to learn about horses and horsemanship, my teachers all had rules that I was meant to follow. I was to mount from the left of the horse. I was to lead a horse from my right. I was to ask a horse to pick up its feet by pinching the chestnut. When there was a disagreement with a horse I was to always make sure I won. If a horse turned its tail towards me I had to always correct it. A horse should not be allowed to stop when it had a bathroom moment.

You know what I mean. I’m sure most of you had similar instructions on how things must be done and other things that one must never do or allow a horse to do.

A couple of weeks ago I grabbed Six from the paddock and led her to where I was going to trim her hooves. It’s a ritual we do every couple of weeks. She has terribly shelly feet with thin soles. Since trimming her every 2 weeks and keeping her on biotin supplements, her feet have been the best for the past 5 years than they have ever been. But they are never brilliant and never will be. I long ago gave up trying to improve on genetics and now simply manage her for soundness.

Anyway, the trimming gear was a little way down the driveway. As I led her along the gravel drive, she slipped in behind me and crossed to walk on my left side. I said, “No, you can’t eat grass just yet,” thinking she had her eye on some green pick. I put her back to my right side without drama. We walked a few steps and she again drifted behind me and to my left.

Mmmm. It then occurred to me that to my right was the hard gravel driveway and to my left was the softer dirt and grass. The light bulb switched on! She swapped sides because her thin, shallow soles were hurting when she was on the right and got some relief when walking on the grass to my left.

“That’s okay,” I thought. “You know best.”

I am certain the instructors from my youth would have disapproved when I allowed Six to decide what works best for her. I can hear Karl de Jurenak’s voice in my head yelling (as he often did at me) in that thick accent, “Jacobs, are you leading da horse or the horse leading you?”

I started to think about how often I allow my horses to make the decision. To tell me how it should be. When I added it up it turned out that they had a big say in a lot of our decisions. I stopped counting after a few moments. It turned out that “our decisions” is a fairly accurate term.

I think it started when I was a kid and I was riding a school horse at the riding school I worked. Trotting across the diagonal of the arena, Blackie stopped in his tracks, lifted his tail and dropped the previous night’s dinner. The boss screamed at me not to let him stop and make him keep trotting. I thought the boss was going to burst a blood vessel. That seemed wrong to me. I know I would prefer to stand still for a poop. It just seemed to let Blackie stop until he was finished the considerate thing to do. I couldn’t see why it was wrong to let Blackie stop if that’s what he wanted. He wasn’t being difficult or disrespectful or trying to takeover. He was just seeking a more comfortable way to have a poop.

It’s been an evolving awareness for me. In later years, I’ve come to realize that what is important is not being the boss, but being the best partner I can be. I know I could quietly ask Six to walk on the gravel part of the driveway without having an argument. But why would I, knowing her preference to walk on the grass and how little that decision cost me?

I know that I am talking about an evolving relationship with a horse. At the beginning of training, we need to be consistent and clear to give a horse comfort and certainty. We can’t equivocate over decisions while a horse is working out their role in the relationship. But as the training progresses, trust, and confidence in each other also progresses. We don’t have to do things the same way every time because our intent is clear. I don’t always have to lead Six by standing near her head. I can stand by her side or tail or 4 metres away or from the left or the right and still get the answers I need. When you can do this, you know you can say NO to a horse and life will still be smooth and calm. This is when it is okay for a horse to be more involved in decision making. You can agree or disagree with your horse’s decisions and you are still best mates.

I am highlighting something as small as which side to lead or should my horse be allowed to stop for a bathroom break, but the underlying principle of awareness, listening, and showing consideration for our horse’s thoughts and decisions are part of all aspects of good horsemanship. It might be which bay they stand in a trailer to whether to be a cow horse or a showjumper. It could be about whether to ask the dentist to not use a gag or being picky which horse shares a paddock with yours. It might something as big as whether your horse feels better with positive reinforcement or negative reinforcement training. Maybe you should listen to your horse’s opinion about being barefoot or shod. Your horse has opinions on all these things and more. If we care about our horses, it should matter enough for us to listen and consider their ideas.

If we don’t listen, what does that say about the sort of person we are?